a few friends told me they are worreid about me after reading my blog. i have to thank them for caring. re-reading the recent blog entries, i realized they are pretty grim looking. i sounded like i am on the verge of suicide. sorry to alarm anyone out there. it's not all sadness in my world. there are happy times and there are sad times. unfortunately, sadness drives me to write on my blog more than happiness. i guess misery likes company. it's easier to vent and it does feel better once you release some of the negative thoughts that have been accummulating in your mind. like i said before, i really should learn to be more sensitive to others. sorry again to make you worried, friends. i do have friends. in fact, i am fortunate to have many friends. at times, i just feel alone. but it's not your fault. it's me, still learning to trust, and to open up. this blog is a tool. but you might notice i am being very vague on many things. purposely sometimes. sometimes just being my old secretive self.

 

life always has its ups and downs. i am lucky to have people who worry about me during my down times. it's very nice to know there are people who care about me. if i die suddenly, maybe there might even be some people who might say some nice things about me...ok, i am getting to be too morbid (again!)

 

once again, thank you for being a friend. i am happy now because i have people who care about me.

life throws you a curve ball when you least expect it. it was a busy monday but nothing out of the ordinary. the pace at work has been so hectic for months now that i have gotten used to it. (not to say i am happy with it, but that's another blog's topic) then just when you think things are going relatively well in other areas of your life, life decides to throw a surpise revelation in your direction. it took me so much by surprise that i was thrown on a loop. the never ending loop of guilt, anguish and sadness. i could not even think of the real reason tears were shed. it was like the dam that has been guarding any negative emotions has just burst. i cannot explain why i felt so hopeless, sad and so lack of will to continue....it was a scary thing to see. i know that i am not the most sensitive and can be very oblivious of my surrounding but this was quite a surpise. i also learned that there was hardly anyone i could really talk to. i have been guarding my emotion so well that no one knows the whole picture. i have been there before (sadly). i find it tiring to explain to people what has gone on before to make the present hurt clearer or more understandable. there are many things to learn from this. and it's time to learn fast. i am not sure i will be able to handle one more loop of life...

 

strangely the lyrics of this song seems so fitting...

 

"this is it now. everybody gets down. this is all i can take. this is how a heart breaks.

you take a hit now. you feel it break down. makes you stay wide awake. this is how the heart breaks"

wounds to the body leave scars. wounds of the heart may never heal. the old saying "once bitten, twice shy" has some truths...i was bitten by a dog when i was two years old and today i still have a small phobia to dogs. when the heart is wounded, you react differently to things that should not matter normally. i have never been good at confronting my fears. i find that i avoid situations that resemble past hurts. lately things seem to escalate. i have to escape this cycle because it always leave me feeling somewhat sad and empty...