i can't say this is a good year. i have had a lot of things happening this year. experienced many new things (both good and bad). so many things that have happened that i don't feel like to list them all. suffice to say that recent events have left me  feeling kind of sad (almost depressed). i wish i have more good news to report. maybe i am just looking at this past months with tinted glasses but i do not think this has been a good year. i just hope that next year will be better. i feel like i am almost at the bottom of something, at the nadir of my life so far?

i am not writing this to alarm any of my friends. i won't do anything drastic. i remember writing a status on FB that had a few people worried. i am sorry about that. it was the state of my mind. but i won't do anything to harm myself (not that i can see i do that right now). i promise at least not in 2009. ok that did not come out right. 

anyway, i guess now that i have FB to give semi-regular updates of my moods and life, i am not likely to write blog like this. so there will be less entries here. and hopefully next time i write here, i will have more interesting things to say than sounding depressed. life should be good but i am just not finding it right now. i hope i will get out of this...

changes might come next year. let's wait and see what my next year in review will be like...

there are 2 days left for the year. i can't say it's been the best year in my life. in fact, it's been kind of a bad year. i just hope it will be better in 2008. 

 

surprise of the year is that a few friends have departed from earth. when i learned about the first one, i was in shock. and it didn't end with one. may they find peace.

 

there were also friends who left the country maybe permanently. luckily we are still in touch.

 

it is also a year of heartaches and betrayals. people you thought you can count on were really there. it hurt at first but i learned to numb these pains.

 

it is also a year of obsession. obsession with shoes and clothes! (when did i start to care so much how i look? maybe it is a real sign of getting old....) obsession with certain TV series and anime series. (how the dialogues can evoke so much emotion lately? and some shows are not even good shows!) other obsession...maybe i have an obsessive personality.

 

but it is not all a bad year.

 

i got to see my parents again after a long separation. my cousin got married and is expecting her first child. i made new friends who are very nice and genuine. i met up wtih old friends from far away and long ago. i am happy to hear that although some friends fell ill, they are on mends.

 

i do hope that i see more of these happy events in 2008.

 

happy new year.

 

November sees the departure of a few friends from Canada. Some of them are leaving permanently, while others for a short time (but can still be a few years). It is strange that all of a sudden these people I know would be out of my life all at once. Some of them move for work, some move for more personal reasons. I do admire their courage to face changes and the unknown. They are much braver than me.

 

I wish my friends safe journeys and a bright future in wherever they are. I will miss you guys

the day started out innocently. i got up later than i wanted and got to the gym later than i would like. i managed to finish working out and get to work not too late. a regular day for the most part, despite being a cooler day than the the earlier in the week. then no reason, no warning, i felt sad. overwhelming emotions that overtook me. i can feel that if given the chance i would break out in tears....

 

i still have no explanation for the sudden change in my mood. but it was so noticeable that i was not happy my co-workers asked me if i were ok. when i was asked, i jokingly said maybe it's "andropause"...

 

it wasn't that good to feel so sad. i hope that is just a weird mood swing...

 

a few friends told me they are worreid about me after reading my blog. i have to thank them for caring. re-reading the recent blog entries, i realized they are pretty grim looking. i sounded like i am on the verge of suicide. sorry to alarm anyone out there. it's not all sadness in my world. there are happy times and there are sad times. unfortunately, sadness drives me to write on my blog more than happiness. i guess misery likes company. it's easier to vent and it does feel better once you release some of the negative thoughts that have been accummulating in your mind. like i said before, i really should learn to be more sensitive to others. sorry again to make you worried, friends. i do have friends. in fact, i am fortunate to have many friends. at times, i just feel alone. but it's not your fault. it's me, still learning to trust, and to open up. this blog is a tool. but you might notice i am being very vague on many things. purposely sometimes. sometimes just being my old secretive self.

 

life always has its ups and downs. i am lucky to have people who worry about me during my down times. it's very nice to know there are people who care about me. if i die suddenly, maybe there might even be some people who might say some nice things about me...ok, i am getting to be too morbid (again!)

 

once again, thank you for being a friend. i am happy now because i have people who care about me.

life throws you a curve ball when you least expect it. it was a busy monday but nothing out of the ordinary. the pace at work has been so hectic for months now that i have gotten used to it. (not to say i am happy with it, but that's another blog's topic) then just when you think things are going relatively well in other areas of your life, life decides to throw a surpise revelation in your direction. it took me so much by surprise that i was thrown on a loop. the never ending loop of guilt, anguish and sadness. i could not even think of the real reason tears were shed. it was like the dam that has been guarding any negative emotions has just burst. i cannot explain why i felt so hopeless, sad and so lack of will to continue....it was a scary thing to see. i know that i am not the most sensitive and can be very oblivious of my surrounding but this was quite a surpise. i also learned that there was hardly anyone i could really talk to. i have been guarding my emotion so well that no one knows the whole picture. i have been there before (sadly). i find it tiring to explain to people what has gone on before to make the present hurt clearer or more understandable. there are many things to learn from this. and it's time to learn fast. i am not sure i will be able to handle one more loop of life...

 

strangely the lyrics of this song seems so fitting...

 

"this is it now. everybody gets down. this is all i can take. this is how a heart breaks.

you take a hit now. you feel it break down. makes you stay wide awake. this is how the heart breaks"

wounds to the body leave scars. wounds of the heart may never heal. the old saying "once bitten, twice shy" has some truths...i was bitten by a dog when i was two years old and today i still have a small phobia to dogs. when the heart is wounded, you react differently to things that should not matter normally. i have never been good at confronting my fears. i find that i avoid situations that resemble past hurts. lately things seem to escalate. i have to escape this cycle because it always leave me feeling somewhat sad and empty...

the paper has now been submitted. now it's the wait for the reviews. in the meantime, there are some work to do to anticipate what the reviewers might want to see. it's not too bad. the bad part is now i am supposed to take over the 2nd project from this person...arrrghhh....no end in sight.  not happy.

 

when is this going to end?

i am obssessed with tsubasa chronicles....i love this song...somewhat sad...i feel sad listening to it...but of course i am going to listen to over and over again until i learn the lyrics...i am posting the lyrics here so i can learn it faster...so obsessed.

 

 

Ame ni nureta hoho wa
namida no nioi ga shita
yasashii manazashi no
tabibito

 

shizuka ni hibiiteru
natsukashii ongaku
omoidasenai kioku
samayou

yume wa tobitatsu no chiisana tsubasa de
omoi no kienai basho made
futari de
tooi umi wo sora wo koete

kurai yoru no naka de
watashi wo terashiteru
yasashii manazashi no
anata ni
aitai...

For the last 7 weeks, i have been in work hell! i got involved in this work project that did not have anything to do with me initially and eventually became the only focus of my work! the story started when this other person at work who is supposed to lead the project. he has done much to develop the project but in the last year or two has really been unable to carry the projec forward. after months and months of delay and stalled progress, my boss asked me to help to finish the last few things that was needed to complete the project. it was supposed to be a couple of weeks worth of work. it just dragged on forever. i did finish the required experiments but then when it came to preparing the results for publication, i found myself dragged further into the project. i ended preparing almost all of the figures for publication while my boss prepared the manuscript which i had to help proof-read. many days of work at work as well as work at home (i spent many nights working at home til midnight or later!) i think i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. my boss is appreciative. as to the co-worker...i don't want to comment.  anyway, it's not quite over yet. this paper is ready for submission but that means there will be revisions..requests from reviewers for mroe work....

 

hopefully, i don't have to do much of that!!!!!

 

all work and no play...(no rest actually) is BAD for you!

 

:(

i don't follow TV shows much. most shows on TV are relatively boring. i do like some political satires, comedies. not a big fan of reality TV shows. i would watch an odd ep of the Amazing Race but the dynamics does not seem to change from one season to another. i don't usually follow any series either. mostly because i always forget to watch it and the networks move shows around and put re-runs on all the time. in the past, i have ended up watching some shows on DVD when they come out. i like a lot of HBO shows. most of them i will watch when the DVD comes out. lately i have been watching the comedy Ugly Betty. i don't watch it every week but once in a while it's funny and seems better than most sitcoms that are around.

 

the last one i saw (must be last week's) concerning the flamboyant gay character Mark. although he is out to everyone (and really no one can miss his flamboyant walk and talk and mistake him for something else....), he is in the closet when it comes to his mother. the episode was about a visit from his mom and how he tried to continue hiding his sexuality from his mom. lots of good jokes involved. in the end, he came out but was rejected by his mother.

 

the show did not go for the typical happy ending. even though Mark has the courage to accept himself and revealed the truth to his mother, he was not rewarded by his mother's acceptance of him. she left saying she'd rather not know the real him.

 

sadly, reality is like that. sometimes family does not necessarily love you unconditionally. whether they disapprove of one's choice of spouse, one's choice in career, or one's sexuality, it's sad to see that family drifts apart because of it. unlike in nearly all sitcoms, family does not always offer unconditional love and there is always a happy ending. some people might think that by strongly disapproving they can influence these "choices". maybe love in some misguided form. in some cases, they might do it because they are trying to protect the person from the "wrong choice". in some cases, they just don't think it's right because of racial or religious biases. but how many Romeos and Juliets have to die because of family pressure? how many gay teens might have committed suicide because they did not have support when they needed it most? how much good will "tough love" do to a depressed person?

 

the episode reminds me of the reality in some family and it saddens me. hope that people who are left behind can find strength and comfort in friends and lovers.

When someone promises you something you expect that promise to be kept. Strangely, to some people promises are mere saying that do not mean too much to them. Someone has made many a promise and has failed to keep them again and again. at one point in the time, i would be hurt by these false promises. little ones like "i will call you later" to bigger ones that bear more significance. one after another these would be broken. after a while, when these false promises did not come true, one gets used to not expecting too much from that person anymore. maybe i have already lost all faith in the person's words. i no longer harbour hope that anything will happen or amount to much. i know i have really lost faith in that person when he promised to call, failed to and i did not feel anything at all. maybe it is for the better. learn not to care so i will not get hurt anymore. i just hope that this experience does not make me lose trust in people. people and their promises.

 

 

Valentine's day is just a day away. Roses and chocolates are selling everywhere. The heart shapes are ubiquitous. This past weekend I came across a story of a devoted couple and it just stirs up some emotions. Do I really know what love is?

 

The story was about this gay couple. Two complete different people, one tall, burly caucasian with blond hair and blue eyes, the other small, dark, Asian guy, were two partners of this relationship. The two did not only differ in appearance but also did not appear to have much in common (at least to the sister of one of the lovers).  However, they seemed to be genuinely in love and happy together. However, happiness did not last forever. The Caucasian was tested HIV positive. Slowly the disease progressed. The tiny Asian did not leave his lover. Towards the end, when the Caucasian guy can no longer walk or take care of himself, the Asian guy took care of him. Sadly, the disease took over and he died.

 

The amount of things that the lovers endured and the devotion of the Asian guy made me wonder if I can do the same. I have deserted my ex when things got really bad and when both of us headed to towards our own hell of depression. I know that love is not only when things are going well. "For better or for worse", a vow commonly taken at weddings, is a cornerstone of love. I hope that when it comes to "for worse" part, I will be as brave as the Asian guy in the story.

just got back from the windy city. it was a quick trip. flew in on friday night and left on sunday night. not that i do these kind of quick trips often (can't afford them!!) but there was a good excuse and i haven't been to Chicago for 14 years, so i thought i would go for a visit. this time around though i have a few friends in Chicago. i didn't manage to see everyone but a good friend was my tour guide for the weekend :) it was a lot of fun. and even found a store with amazing discount (70% off!!) accidently! needless to say i spend some money but i didn't spend that much compared to how much i got!

 

all in all, a great trip. thanks, Brad, for being such a sweet guy and a great friend :) i will visit Chicago again :)

 

here is a video of the waiters in a restaurant i visited in Chicago. they are fun, full of attitude and even dance ;)

 

it's 2007. happy new year! i hope that it will be a good year for everyone (myself included).

 

although i have to say this year it didn't really start so well.

 

i got a cold just before NYE. boohoo for me. i stayed away from all the festivities this new year's eve. bed was my friend (well sometimes..because it wasn't that comfortable to sleep at times either). and none of the over-the-counter medications really did me any good.

 

then a week later, i suffered a really bad allergic attack (from cleaning out my vacuum cleaner!) i thought i had such a hard time trying to breathe...it was not pleasant. i ended up sitting up all night, the only position i can breathe somewhat :(

 

2006 also didn't start with such a bang either.

 

i ended up in the ER on new year's day til 3 am.

 

strangely enough, 2006 wasn't that bad.

 

so i hope that 2007 will be decent, even though it didn't have a pleasant start....

 

a wish for world peace at this second day of the year...(of course i wouldn't mind something good coming my way either ;))

couple of nights ago, i received some shocking news. a friend of mine has passed away. another friend called and said she saw the news of this friend's death in the alumni newsletter. further search has revealed that this friend passed away on July 1 after a 10-k run. he was 30 years old.

 

a tribute video was posted on the net. pictures of his life was shown, including pictures taken on the last day of his life. there were 2 pictures taken on July 1. he looked happy, excited about the run. he was quite healthy. shockingly, autopsy showed no defects of his heart. he didn't die of a heart attack. his death was unexplained....

 

it kept me up all night to think that a friend of mine, who was so young, can be gone forever. i have my chances of contacting him but now it's no more. maybe i should enjoy life more. one cannot take anything for granted.

 

farewell, Perry. hope that you are in a good place.

it's really sad to hear about the massacre in Montreal. a lone guy opened fire in the cafeteria of a college, killing 2, injuring many and taking his own life. what has driven this guy to commit this horrible deed. only the killer would know. i feel sad that this senseless violence has occurred. i am not a religious man. but in times like these, i wish there is a higher being who would hear my call. call for calmness, for peace, for some sense in this seemingly chaotic world. there is enough fear this last 5 years, enough violence in the world in the past decade, enough tragedy in the past century. why do more to add to this misery. enjoy life, enjoy your friends. i could use a hug.

it was a glorious week in San Francisco. it was party, food and fun. this is really the first time i have been to the city. it was every bit as exciting and as beautiful as my friends have told me for years. now i know why one of my friends is seriously thinking of moving there (and another friend IS moving there). i could see myself living there. now if the God of lotto will smile on me hahahha. seriously, i would move there if there is a chance but i am not dying to move away from Toronto. it's home. it's great. i have great friends here. i love this city as well. i always believe home is where i can make it and where i can have good friends. the location and weather are not the first things i look at where i live anymore. friends are very important to me, and i hope that they think the same way about me.

i think communciations have been broken. i said one thing. he said another. i said he was too busy to meet. he said i was too busy....funny that's not what i remember. maybe we all have selective memory. truely no communications present here....sign off